I’m really good at playing the role of the damsel in distress. Growing up, my family and friends playfully mocked me with phrases like, “Don’t be a martyr”, “Don’t be a hero”, “Oh woe is me”, “Who’s invited to your pity party?”. Playing the role of the damsel in distress didn’t get me very far in life. It resulted in loneliness (because who wants to be around that personality all day), isolation (because my pity parties were thrown in secret) and self-loathing (because I began to annoy myself). And then one day, I realized that there were other solutions to my problems. I willingly said goodbye to the damsel in distress and took on the role of my true self.

Emotion regulation, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness are things taught in dialectical behavior therapy. Unfortunately, this form of therapy is usually very expensive and only prescribed to people who “meet the criteria”. I will argue that dialectical behavior therapy should be taught in grade school and high school. These are the skills that I was missing most of my early adulthood! Sure, I could tell you all about European History but I couldn’t tell you a thing about how to cope with a breakup, cope with a sudden crisis and/or talk to a superior about getting my needs and wants met. So I’m about to teach a very important lesson in DBT. It’s called “Options for Solving Any Problem”.

Do you have a problem? Are you struggling to cope with this problem? Well I have 4 choices for you!

1. Solve the problem- change or leave the situation
2. Change the emotion about the problem- feel better about the problem
3. Accept the problem and the emotions about the problem- tolerate the problem
4. Stay miserable- don’t make any changes

I can pretty much guarantee that if you choose 1, 2 or 3, you’ll overcome this problem and be better off. Now for number 4…

Misery loves company AND misery annoys those around you. What’s that all about? That sounds like an oxymoron. Because it is! Misery is effective only if it used short-term. Misery can be extremely validating! Think about how good it feels to vent to a friend about your bad day at work. AND if misery is prolonged, it begins to annoy those around you, annoy yourself and it results in being “stuck”. So if you choose misery, I hope you have a deadline for that solution because it can end up making matters much worse for you.

I know for me, my role as the damsel in distress lasted much longer than my contract. My misery didn’t love company. My misery ended up disliking others, myself and my life. But that’s okay. I lived and learned. I now try to offer myself these 4 solutions in the face of problems. To tell you the truth, sometimes I still choose misery for a moment. Like I said, it feels good to vent sometimes. And then after the venting, I choose 1, 2 or 3 and eurika! My problem is solved.

Check-out the Emotional Wellness Tab and Self-Affirmations Tab for more on problem-solving.