I was recently in a validating conversation with a group of people. We were talking about the endless layers of “overwhelmingness” filling our lives. It’s amazing that we were all still standing after hearing all of the stress piled up in our lives. And as one of the ladies in the group pointed out, it’s awfully comforting being in a room full of people with common problems. Since that conversation, I have been thinking and studying the tug of war relationship with control in our lives. And here is what I came up with…

Humans crave control and we feel good when we are in control. AND we live in a world where matters are almost always out of our hands and we are left feeling out of control. Let’s validate ourselves for a moment…with covid, the elections, looting, racial injustice, violence, and financial crises (to name a few), we are left feeling beat up, spit out and out of control by the world we live in.

Americans tend to take control to another level. Because of our innate desire for instant gratification and pleasure, we tend to seek control in unhealthy ways. Substance use, self-harm, sex, overspending, eating disorders, abuse on another, etc. are some ways in which we usurp control in damaging ways. “It hurts so good.” So this blog is here to point out a dialectic. We need control to feel good AND some things we do to gain control end badly for us.

And so, let’s talk about healthy ways to gain control. It is possible! Here’s a true story that inspired this blog this morning… yesterday, I went on a cleaning spree through my apartment for hours. Afterwards, I felt this sense of mini euphoria. It’s as if I just got a runner’s high or tipsy from a few drinks. All I did was clean. Then why did I feel so good? Because I gained control back in my apartment. Research shows that if our external environments are tidy and clean, our inside environments feel tidy and clean. Cleaning my outside world helps me feel more in-control in my otherwise out-of-control life.

Healthy ways to gain control can look like the following: set boundaries, choose what you eat, decorate your living space, clean your living space, save money, choose your sleep schedule and stick to it, shower, shave, set more boundaries, leave work on time, arrive at work on time, take care of a plant, schedule time for self-care, choose what you watch on tv and listen to on the radio, set more boundaries, exercise, diet, make a short and realistic “to do” list, check off the items on your “to do” list, say “no”, choose your favorite outfit, sew, knit, crochet, fix something, go shopping within a budget, pack a lunch, go on a trip by yourself, think of everything as a choice.

Side note: We all have choices. Some are better than others. When we look at every decision in life as a choice, we feel like we are being offered a sense of control in these life matters.

I advise you to be very mindful of the activities you do to gain control. It’s important to assess their safety in our lives. I recommend asking yourself this question, “Will this activity possibly hurt me or someone else in my life?” If the answer is “no”, then use it as your tool to spin back in control.

Check out the Self-Affirmations Tab for more inspiration on control in our lives.