One Saturday morning back around 2004, I was excited for an Autumn day out with friends and family. You might wonder how I remember the specifics of this one day. Well I just can’t forget a day that brought on intense feelings of guilt and remorse. I don’t remember the details of the day other than the gut wrenching emotions I felt early that morning. I woke up at a friend’s house after a fun sleepover the night before. We were all spread out in our sleeping bags on the basement floor. I was the first one awake because I was so excited for that day. And then I heard water pellets streaming down. And that’s when the gut wrenching emotions started. I felt doom, sadness, regret and remorse. I thought to myself, “Oh no, this is going to ruin everyone’s day. I just want everyone to have fun and be happy. How can I stop the rain?” And then something amazing happened. I heard a faucet creak and foot steps above my head. Low and behold, the water pellets were not from rain; they were from a shower! Phew! And I thought, “Now everyone will have fun today as long as I keep it from raining.”

Any psychologist would see my reaction as early signs of people-pleasing. And yes, I have suffered from people-pleasing for most of my life. It doesn’t sound all that bad, but trust me, when you think you can stop the rain, it’s bad.

So I’m not going to get into all of the embarrassing and self-defeating stories of all of the ways that people-pleasing has harmed me and my life. There aren’t enough hours in the day. But what I am going to get into is one phrase that drastically changed my people-pleasing ways, “let me get back to you”.

A few years ago I reached my ultimate rock bottom from people-pleasing. I had no time for myself because I “yes’d” everyone to death. I would take on any task or favor offered to me. I was working well over 60 hours a week and I lost sight of who I was aside from living for others. I had no self-respect nor did I elude self-respect from others.

My therapist noticed my people-pleasing tendencies and offered me a strategy. She recommended that every time someone asks something of me, I should respond, “let me get back to you”. That’s neither yes nor no. In the space between the request and my response, I would be able to think about myself, me needs and my wants. If I truly wanted to do the request for ME then I could answer yes because that would be “us-pleasing”. If the request would only benefit the other person, I should apologetically decline the offer because that would be “people-pleasing”.

“Let me get back to you”; try it on! What’s the worst that can happen? You end up right back where you started. You’ll end up like me, thinking you can control the rain. And then one day, the water will stop because you have nothing left to give.

Check out the Emotional Wellness Tab and Self-Affirmations Tab for more on people-pleasing.