I have a challenge for all of you (and myself!). Just for today, practice self-awareness by counting all of the times you say, “I’m sorry” (or “sorry” in any form). Of those times, I want you to take note of the times you were really at fault- not the times you couldn’t control the situation or it was a trivial and honest mistake. I would bet that you will have very skewed results. Perhaps you will find that you said, “I’m sorry”, 30 times and only 1 of those times was a true conscious error on your part. What’s that all about?

Over-apologizing is a symptom of low self-esteem. We also live in a society where the phrase, “I’m sorry”, is significantly overused and automatic. Saying, “I’m sorry”, can actually lead to disrespect from others. We would think that if we are apologizing, the other people will grow fond of us and appreciate us. The opposite is actually true. By apologizing for things that are truly not your fault, you encourage others to think less of you and feel like they have power over you.

I feel comfortable bringing up this topic because I am a chronic apologizer. I had a therapist who would keep a “sorry jar” in her office and every time I said, “I’m sorry”, for something trivial or out of my control, she made me stop what I was talking about and put a marble in the jar. I liked the technique because it really brought awareness to my automatic self-defeating language.

If you look back at my blog, “My New Year Resolutions never work”, you’ll see that in order to change a habit or start a new habit, it is best practice to attach a new habit onto an existing habit. And so, “flip the script” is a strategy that I really like for undoing the over-apologizing. It is reversing the positions in the apology. It is unexpected, and so, it is revolutionary! “Flip the script” may look like this…

I am holding up the line at the grocery store because I’m using coupons and exact change. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, to the person behind me in line, (why the heck should I be sorry for being mindful of my spending habits and trying to save money!) I can flip the script to the person behind me. “Thank you for being so patient. I really appreciate it!”

I hope you take on the “I’m sorry” challenge. I know I will try it out. It’s all about our language. The way we speak influences the way others think and feel about us. We treat people how we want to be treated.

Check out the Emotional Wellness Tab and Self-Affirmations Tab for more on self-empowering language.