What is your automatic reaction when you see your loved one break down in tears? Take some time and think about it…what do you automatically say and do? Most humans would say that they would run to their aid with tissues, a hug, and back rubs while saying phrases like, “Don’t cry”, “It’ll all be okay”, “Don’t be sad”, “I wish I could make this all go away”. As their loved one, you want to make sure they feel good, loved, supported and happy. Unfortunately, happiness is a temporary state of being. We can’t help but feel uncomfortable emotions at times. So what if I told you that instead of wiping their tears away, you should help the tears flow?

As a therapist, I try to teach and model against the automatic responses above. They sound good. However, they are invalidating. As per my previous blog from last week, “Better Out Than In”, it’s healthy for us to let our emotions out no matter how ugly they may be. I cringe when I see someone thrust a box of tissues at someone crying. The message that sends is that tears should be wiped away immediately. But what’s wrong with crying? The answer is, NOTHING! There is nothing wrong with crying. Crying is right. Crying is healthy. Crying is validating. Now of course, crying can create a big mess of snot, so maybe it looks like placing a box of tissues near someone so they can have the choice of wiping their tears rather than being told be someone else that they should wipe their tears.

Emotions are healed when they are heard and accepted. To validate means to demonstrate or support the truth of the emotions. Feelings are not facts AND feelings are valid. They are true to the human experiencing them. We need to feel supported in our emotions no matter how ugly, uncomfortable or messy they may appear.

So the next time your with a loved one crying, try on new phrases, “I’m right here”, “I hear you”, “I see you”, “I feel you”. “Talk to me, cry on my shoulder, I’m not going anywhere”.

Check out the Emotional Wellness Tab and Self-Affirmation Tab for more on validation.