Have you ever been so mad you saw red? You were so riled up you were afraid of what you were capable of? You were so pissed off that you felt like you were going to just explode? And then…something makes your anger astronomically worse. Someone tells you the dreaded, irking, gut wrenching phrase, “You need to calm down”.

“WHAT?! Don’t tell me to calm down! Of course I need to calm down! I feel like I’m going to burst! You don’t think I know that? You idiot! (or other choice words that are much harsher than ‘idiot’).”

At this point, your anger is so strong that you are incapable of “calming down” on your own. You may need someone or something to help you in this calming down process. Why? Well, it’s not because you’re weak or you can’t control your anger. It’s because you’re human and this is what happens to all humans when they reach their breaking points.

First and foremost, let’s try not to judge our anger. You may be thinking back to a time when your anger got the best of you. STOP right there. Only state the facts of that situation. You got angry, you punched a wall, you hurt yourself, someone else, you said harsh words to a loved one. STOP. Don’t judge yourself. You are human. All humans lose control once they reach their breaking points (I’m going to repeat that phrase as much as needed to hit home this point). And although we cannot judge ourselves for this state of rage (because judging ourselves will not possibly make any of it better), we do need to take responsibility for it.

The truth and hard fact is that once we are at our breaking points, we make decisions based solely off of our emotions (also known as the Emotional Mind). And so, instead of someone telling us we need to calm down, it would behoove us for someone to tell us strategies to help us calm down. “Let’s go for a walk.” “Let’s get some cold water.” “Would you like a cup of tea?” “Let’s go break things with a hammer.” “Let’s take a step away and take some deep breaths together.”

All of those statements come from a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skill called TIPP. They are distress tolerance skills to help us survive a crisis. Check out the Emotional Wellness Tab for more on the TIPP Skill.

So bottom line, if you truly want to help someone through an anger episode, don’t say the dreaded phrase, “You need to calm down”. Simply, offer them choices on ways to calm down. And if you are the one in that angry episode, walk away from the trigger, and engage in the TIPP skill to help de-escalate yourself.

Check out the Self-Affirmation Tab for a pick-me-up!